<![CDATA[Nothing To Say Here - Natalie\'s Humor]]>Sat, 28 Mar 2020 16:23:17 -0400Weebly<![CDATA[Meal Prep Ideas for Your Sunday Night Existential Crisis]]>Tue, 11 Sep 2018 17:11:31 GMThttp://nothingtosayhere.com/natalies-humor/meal-prep-ideas-for-your-sunday-night-existential-crisis
By Natalie
​We all know that Sundays are great for activities like laundry, grocery shopping, and mulling the value of your life’s contributions. Here are some easy meal prep ideas to round out your weekend and get you ready for the worthless workweek ahead. 
Mason Jar Salad
These salads are a great way to store a mix of hearty legumes, chopped veggies, and leafy greens in a charming jar. Much like your friends and family can see through your charade of decency, you’ll be able to see if you properly mixed your salad in this whimsical glass container!
Sheet Pan Dinner
​Sheet pans are an easy way to get all your favorite ingredients—try a mix of proteins, veggies, and potato!—together and roast them for a healthy meal with minimal clean up. While the root veggies are roasting, you have plenty of time to call your dad and fish for validation while pretending to care what color he paints your childhood bathroom. Hint: it’s canary yellow!
Pasta Salad
This is a classic dish perfect for hot summer days and picnics. Is it too many carbs that are giving you anxiety? Or maybe you’re not eating enough carbs? Spend 30 minutes googling “macros + depression,” followed by another 30 minutes searching “move to Bozeman, Montana with no job,” while you wait for your freshly boiled pasta to cool down. 
​No matter which option you choose, don’t forget your shopping list when going to the grocery store. Otherwise, you may end up with impulse buys like $50 in lottery scratchers and three Batman Forever DVDs. You’ll be eating your meals in no time while questioning whether anyone will ever love you enough to freeze a whole city. Bon appetite! 
<![CDATA[How to Fix Your Mental Illness]]>Wed, 25 Apr 2018 15:41:56 GMThttp://nothingtosayhere.com/natalies-humor/how-to-fix-your-mental-illnessBy Natalie
​A quick and dirty guide to curing your brain of all those little beasties giving you the sads. 
Step 1: Are you sure you have a mental illness? Here's a quick checklist:

  • Do your crying bouts only follow Pixar movie viewings? Particularly during montages of couples growing old together and then one dies? 
  • Do your manic episodes only show up on sunny Saturdays?
  • Do you get easily irritated/angry when people stand on the left side of the escalator?

Most importantly, how's your health insurance? If the answer is crappy, skip this article and try to convince yourself that you're fine, definitely fine, and you just need to try a plant-based ketogenic diet because carbs are triggering your PTSD.
Step 2: So you think you have a mental illness! Here are some suggestions on finding a mental health provider to get some help. First, decide what kind of provider you need: psychiatrist, psychologist, psychiatric nurse, social worker, therapist, counselor, primary care doc, neurologist, entomologist, suffragette, grand wizard, etc. 
Now that you've picked one of those names out of a hat, check out your insurance website and call 34 different providers that claim they take new patients. Once you've spoken with all 34 liars, try your local community service board to get some actual direction.

Step 3: Repeat your life story over and over to different intake counselors until you can knit a blanket with your self-pity. This is 2018, and there are all sorts of fancy medical record technologies out there. But not in this office. Here you'll fill out the same depressing forms and tell your story on repeat to therapists while wondering if you look the right amount of sad to warrant treatment. 

Step 4: Get some pills. Sure these drugs make you forget how to spell things like the word "achieve," but it's a tricky one! I mean, there are i's and e's and whatnot. Plus, isn't it worth losing the ability to spell if you only feel mild existential ennui? No? Okay, taper off the drugs and enjoy those sweet, sweet withdrawal effects. 

​Congratulations! You are now certifiably sane!
<![CDATA[A Bar Chart of Snowmageddon Supplies]]>Wed, 21 Mar 2018 11:47:35 GMThttp://nothingtosayhere.com/natalies-humor/a-bar-chart-of-snowmageddon-suppliesBy Natalie
<![CDATA[4 Hot New Lip Products for Spring]]>Wed, 14 Mar 2018 01:15:06 GMThttp://nothingtosayhere.com/natalies-humor/4-hot-new-lip-products-for-springBy Natalie
Spring is around the corner and that means it is time to update your makeup routine. Switch it up with these four hot new options that you’ll immediately lose or forget about. 
​​1. Fenty Beauty by Rihanna Mattemoiselle Plush Matte Lipstick in Ma’Damn
RiRi’s new Mattemoiselle Plush Matte Lipstick line is out and this bright red is a classic for spring. This is a great option to mindlessly add to your Sephora cart when it’s cold and grey outside for the fourth day in a row. Immediately forget about it once you add it to your cart and select the three free VIB samples that you don’t actually want or need. 
2. COVERGIRL Vitalist Tinted Lip Oil in Grape Juice
This lip oil has been popping up all over the beauty blogs and for good reason! It has a non-sticky texture and moisturizing feel that’s just right for your lips and the inside of your purse when you forget to tighten the cap. You’ll remember that pretty petal pink when you find the remnants in your bag three months from now.
3. MAC Tendertalk Balm
Pick up this lightly tinted balm for when you want a hint of color without worrying about your makeup during the third lemon drop shot. Stash it in a clutch for your night out then forget about it until you use that bag again in two months. 
4. Dose of Colors Matte Liquid Lipstick in Sleepless
This gorgeous dusty greige lavender liquid lipstick is so long-wearing that you can leave it at home after applying! Maybe bring it just in case along with your chapstick, a lip scrub, and lipstick in case it does that weird peeling/crumbling thing. You’ll likely never apply it again though since only your friend Katie can really pull off those weird grey purple colors.  ​
<![CDATA[Six Steps For Cleaning Your Room To Restore Joy]]>Sun, 11 Mar 2018 06:24:38 GMThttp://nothingtosayhere.com/natalies-humor/six-steps-for-cleaning-your-room-to-restore-joyBy Natalie
Feeling inspired to go on a Marie Kondo-style cleaning binge and restore joy to your life? Here are some quick tips to help as you cut through the clutter and embrace a new minimalist lifestyle.
1. Start by piling all your clothes in the center of the room. Then, try everything on and separate this pile into three sections: 
  • Keep
  • Donate
  • Bring to a consignment shop where the girl with a septum piercing makes you feel like all your clothes are garbage unworthy of Goodwill.

2. Next, go through your beauty products and toss what's expired. Remember, mascara is generally good for three months-no one wants an eye infection! 

3. Take a quick 35 minute break to google instructions for a Korean sheet mask at the bottom of your drawer. Don't move on to the next step until you've fully rinsed the snail serum off your fingers.

4. Hey, what ever happened to 3LW? Is the curly haired Latina the same person in DREAM and the Cheetah Girls? Fall down a YouTube rabbit hole of early 2000's pop music.

5. Move on to your books. Which will you reread and which can you donate? Reshelf your sophomore year chemistry textbook that cost more than $200. You may need to reference valence electrons at some point in your public relations job.  

6. Spend 20 minutes setting up an ebay account, finding a clean spot of carpet for photos, and posting the unlined, no-refund dress you bought from ModCloth. Obsessively monitor the views/ watching list until you get a bidder.

And, you're done! Pat yourself on the back and enjoy your new streamlined, clutter-free home.